This week was a challenging one. I was getting sadder and sadder each day and couldn't figure out why. My husband has been working monster hours lately. My daughter went back to school this week, and it is her senior year of high school. Hmmm... We are taking our son back to school for his sophomore year of college in less than a week. Hmmmm again. We might be getting close.
My husband and I had a date night last night. We went out to eat, and enjoyed our time alone. It was a nice respite from all the activity at our house these days. The days seem to be moving so swiftly, I have been reluctant to take time away from everyone for us to have a date night. Why is it so hard to remember to take care of ourselves first when we are on the downward part of a spiral? Yes, even when your good friend tries to remind you the week before that you might need to do just that?!! (Thank you anyway!) It is just part of the process, I guess.
My husband was aware I was not quite my normal self (that is pretty amazing in and of itself given his stress/distraction level!) and asked what was bothering me. As I looked at him and tried to answer his question I realized part of the problem was that I couldn't determine just what the sadness was about. It seems like there could be a zillion reasons, and yet, none seemed to fit exactly. As we talked more, he mentioned how much he has been enjoying having dinner at home with everyone around the dinner table talking and sharing. He was saying, it is not quite the same as when we eat out, (I know, Mom, you were right) and that he appreciated how much extra work it has been for me, cooking for extra people so many nights. Extra people you ask? What extra people? Well, our 23 year old (Happy Birthday Sweetie!) niece has been staying with us this summer, and her boyfriend has been with us the past three weeks as well. Add to that the constant traffic of the pack of young adult men my son travels in, and their late night fridge raids, and you can begin to understand why we've concluded that we can just about pay for our son's college education by the savings in our food bill when he goes back to school. Amusing or not, it is the state of affairs at our house, at least for another week or so.
This lovely compliment from my wonderful husband was making me more aware of feeling sad. Why? I sat at the table, reflecting upon my emotions, and wondering how in the world such a loving comment was making me feel sad. We got in the car and began our ride home, I invited in the sadness. Normaly I would wait until I had some time alone, with a warm salt bath, or at least an hour I could count on as my own to do something this deep. I didn't know if I would have the time to allow it completely. I was asking myself: What is at the core of this sadness? What is the thought that is bringing on this emotion? As I sat in silence, driving home in the late afternoon light, with my husband listening to music on the radio, the sadness flooded into my Being. I waited to see what it would tell me. Very quickly I realized I am dealing with our children growing up, and moving on. As my loving husband was complimenting me, some part of me was wondering, oh, but was it enough? Did we do enough meals at the kitchen table? Which lead to, was I a good enough Mother? Did I give my children enough? Enough what? Enough everything. What is enough? How could I ever know? How can a doubt like that run circles in my head? Where does it lead? Nowheresville, fast!! So as soon as I invited in the sadness, knowing it can not overwhelm me, then I could hear the dialogue which was running around with it, inside me, hidden from my awareness. Then I was able to acknowledge it and release it. How did I let it go? The truth, with love and gratitude. What is the truth in this case? I can never be or do enough. And yet, that is all I can ever be or do. Enough. How can I be or do more than enough? Who says what is enough? I do. Now I can thank the sadness for reminding me where my heart is tied. To the ones I love. Which leads me to: To my husband, I love you Enough and To my children, I love you Enough. I so appreciate you all in my life, and I love every little moment. Enough. Enough is a wonderful thing.