Return from Vision Quest

I have been out of the electronic loop for about two weeks now. There has been much going on, but first and foremost I was away doing a vision quest. It was a wonderful experience. This was my second year, I am now halfway through a four year commitment. The process is fairly simple, three days of purification lodges, 1,250 prayer ties, for everyone you know or have ever known, and then 24 hours of prayer and fasting outside in a secluded sacred place.

When you commit to do something like this, you are giving a gift to those you know and love, and often there will be "gifts" for you in return. It takes some time to assimilate all the gifts from such an experience, but at this point, there are a few reminders which have surfaced that I thought I would share.

The first one is the reminder that we are not alone. We are surrounded by loved ones who care about us, seen and unseen. There is The Great Mystery. Whatever you choose to call the Higher Power in your own way, and all those angels and guides, as well as all the dear ones we surround ourselves with, family and friends. However this presents itself in your life, I am reminded to have an attitude of gratitude for all these blessings.

The second reminder is a bit more challenging, I find myself looking at it several times a day. That is the reminder to be more gentle with ourselves, and with those around us. We judge ourselves so harshly. We expect so much of ourselves, and then find fault again and again, forever looking for the flaws, rather than noticing and celebrating our successes, in all ways. The better we are able to practice this, the more we improve the world from the inside out. The more gentle we are with ourselves, the more gentle we are with others; friends, family and strangers. The more relaxed and comfortable we are in our own skin, the more we enjoy our lives. Thus the ripple effect goes out from us, improving our outlook on life, and infecting those around us with the ease and grace we walk with.

There are more gifts which have come from my vision quest, but this is a good start.

With love and blessings... Peace and love be with you.

What's up in your corner of the world?

I don't know what all is going on right now. I am not the only one feeling this, am I? It just feels like the pressure is rising, and I feel like I am at the shore, and I have just been hit over and over again with a never-ending set of waves. I am feeling exhausted, and it feels like it is not over yet. I can't say what all is going on. I am feeling pressure, and wiped out. I can't account for why. Well, I can tell you a gazillion little things, but no giant ones. I guess it is all mounting up, and I am feeling somehow overwhelmed, but I know everything is going to be okay. I don't even know what isn't okay, actually. Everything is going fine, for the most part.

I don't mean for this blog to be a self indulgent place for me to whine. I am hoping it is a good place for others to share whatever is going on in their neck of the woods. I am reporting what it feels like here and now. To me it feels like the pressure build up before a storm.

How are you dealing with this? Are you even feeling any of this? I am laying pretty low, doing what I am called to do. Not much else. I am being pretty quiet here, and waiting to see what is next. I look forward to hearing from any of you to know what is going on for you.

Is this the quiet before the storm? I feel like I have been through the storm already! Okay, so I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and do what is immediate and situational. Whatever is happening right now, this too shall pass, and in the meantime I am responsible for how I weather the storm.

I would so love to hear what you all are experiencing and how you are moving through it. I think we all benefit from sharing with one another!

Okay so hang in there, and I will do the same! Sending each one of you love, from my corner of the world to yours!

All is right with the world

So we are slowly getting back into the rhythm of things here. We took our son back to college over the weekend and got him all settled in. He is doing well. I did very well I am happy to report. No wailing in the shower grieving his absence (yes, that happened last year). This year, I was fine, we got all the way home and I didn't even feel the need to well up. It somehow feels right to see Ry get settled into his apartment with his three roommates. He is moving on into the next phase of his life. As we pulled up to Ry's apartment complex to say goodbye before we hit the road Sunday morning, the skies opened up and it poured. It felt like a blessing from above. He is being watched over, he is in good hands.

That night, after our drive home, our daughter had a date. Karl and the dogs and I had the house to ourselves. At some point in the evening I couldn't find Sophie, our border collie. I went looking for her, and she was all by herself curled up on Ryan's bed. That was when it hit me. I sat down, and pet Sophie and we had a little moment. Not a balling fest, just a little moment.

Our niece left on Saturday morning. She headed back home and she will be missed as well. I spent the day today puttering around, getting something done I am sure, though I can't account for what exactly. Some days are like that.

I sit here at the kitchen table writing while Krista, our daughter, is doing homework across from me and Karl is outside solving most all the world's problems from my cell phone. He is Doodle Jumping his way to peace on earth and good will towards all men. The birds are chirping and tweeting, squawking and rustling in the trees, getting settled in for the night. I can hear a cricket serenading us. The dogs are laying on the grass looking out over the world as they see it. Night is falling. A lone coyote calling out, the dogs jump up to investigate. This day is done. All is right with the world.

Enough

This week was a challenging one. I was getting sadder and sadder each day and couldn't figure out why. My husband has been working monster hours lately. My daughter went back to school this week, and it is her senior year of high school. Hmmm... We are taking our son back to school for his sophomore year of college in less than a week. Hmmmm again. We might be getting close.

My husband and I had a date night last night. We went out to eat, and enjoyed our time alone. It was a nice respite from all the activity at our house these days. The days seem to be moving so swiftly, I have been reluctant to take time away from everyone for us to have a date night. Why is it so hard to remember to take care of ourselves first when we are on the downward part of a spiral? Yes, even when your good friend tries to remind you the week before that you might need to do just that?!! (Thank you anyway!) It is just part of the process, I guess.

My husband was aware I was not quite my normal self (that is pretty amazing in and of itself given his stress/distraction level!) and asked what was bothering me. As I looked at him and tried to answer his question I realized part of the problem was that I couldn't determine just what the sadness was about. It seems like there could be a zillion reasons, and yet, none seemed to fit exactly. As we talked more, he mentioned how much he has been enjoying having dinner at home with everyone around the dinner table talking and sharing. He was saying, it is not quite the same as when we eat out, (I know, Mom, you were right) and that he appreciated how much extra work it has been for me, cooking for extra people so many nights. Extra people you ask? What extra people? Well, our 23 year old (Happy Birthday Sweetie!) niece has been staying with us this summer, and her boyfriend has been with us the past three weeks as well. Add to that the constant traffic of the pack of young adult men my son travels in, and their late night fridge raids, and you can begin to understand why we've concluded that we can just about pay for our son's college education by the savings in our food bill when he goes back to school. Amusing or not, it is the state of affairs at our house, at least for another week or so.

This lovely compliment from my wonderful husband was making me more aware of feeling sad. Why? I sat at the table, reflecting upon my emotions, and wondering how in the world such a loving comment was making me feel sad. We got in the car and began our ride home, I invited in the sadness. Normaly I would wait until I had some time alone, with a warm salt bath, or at least an hour I could count on as my own to do something this deep. I didn't know if I would have the time to allow it completely. I was asking myself: What is at the core of this sadness? What is the thought that is bringing on this emotion? As I sat in silence, driving home in the late afternoon light, with my husband listening to music on the radio, the sadness flooded into my Being. I waited to see what it would tell me. Very quickly I realized I am dealing with our children growing up, and moving on. As my loving husband was complimenting me, some part of me was wondering, oh, but was it enough? Did we do enough meals at the kitchen table? Which lead to, was I a good enough Mother? Did I give my children enough? Enough what? Enough everything. What is enough? How could I ever know? How can a doubt like that run circles in my head? Where does it lead? Nowheresville, fast!! So as soon as I invited in the sadness, knowing it can not overwhelm me, then I could hear the dialogue which was running around with it, inside me, hidden from my awareness. Then I was able to acknowledge it and release it. How did I let it go? The truth, with love and gratitude. What is the truth in this case? I can never be or do enough. And yet, that is all I can ever be or do. Enough. How can I be or do more than enough? Who says what is enough? I do. Now I can thank the sadness for reminding me where my heart is tied. To the ones I love. Which leads me to: To my husband, I love you Enough and To my children, I love you Enough. I so appreciate you all in my life, and I love every little moment. Enough. Enough is a wonderful thing.

The Next Phase

The sun is low in the sky. It is 'The Golden Hour' where late afternoon sun drenches your surroundings in gold. I love this time of day. Everything seems to be quieting down, dinner is over, the dishes are done, all is calm, all is well.

Today we learned about the arrival of the latest member of our family. Our niece made her way into the world after one o'clock this morning. We are all filled with joy over the arrival of this newest addition. A new baby. Wow. The miracle of a new human on the planet. I know it happens so many times each day, most of us go about our days not contemplating new life, unless and until it is placed in our hearts, so fresh, so new to the world. I began to realize I am closer to being a grandmother than being a mother of a newborn. My oldest is 20 this month, and my 'baby' is a senior in high school. Wow. I will be a grandmother, most likely in less than 18 years, which is how I see myself closer to being a grandmother than a new mother. It worked on me. I know I am the mother of adult children. I get that. I love that. I have lived every moment of their lives, and laughed and cried and earned my way right up to now. I own this place in my life, be here now, and all that. The preciousness is somehow turned up. I guess that is the sweetness of life.

So, my daughter and I were both crying in Barnes and Noble today, we went out to get some books for the new baby. If you saw us crying in the children's book department, now you know why. We read some of the sweet books from when my children were younger, and found some new ones which touched our hearts as well. We were both caught up in the whirlwind of the passage of time. My daughter becoming a woman, just about to launch into her adult life. Me seeing her as a baby, and then toddler and now flash forward? No! Actually, be here now, we are at the bookstore purchasing books for a new baby. Next to me is my sweet daughter, my dear friend, a beautiful young woman. At home (for a few more days anyway) is my son, our firstborn, the handsome young man who keeps me laughing with his quirky sense of humor. I marvel at their loving natures, their intelligence and the way they carry themselves in the world. They are my blessings and my reminder that I have done something worthwhile in this lifetime. My husband and I have raised two amazing children to adulthood. They are stellar human beings, which is what every parent should believe, and I do, we do. My love for them wells up from deep in my heart flooding my entire body. Our children are about to make their way in the world. We are moving into the next phase in our lives, my husband and I. It's all good. It's all precious.

The sun has set now. It is the next phase of this day, the ending of our niece's first day on this planet. May she have a rich life-time of miraculous, beautiful, precious, amazing, even overwhelming days. They are embarking upon the next phase of their lives as a new family together. All is well.

A Piece of Peace Today

As I sit here, at the kitchen table, the house is quiet. The kids are asleep, these are the last few days before our daughter goes back to school, her last year in high school, and then she will go off into the world. Our son is relishing his last few days at home before going back to college in about two weeks for his second year away in Flagstaff. I look out the window and the sky is a brilliant blue filling out around the various shades of green and browns in the leaves of the trees and bushes. I hear a bird chirping, I hear one of the dogs shift her position, and then fall back into a deeper sleep. It is a beautiful day. I have love and peace in my heart. The refrigerator is full and humming. We have food and electricity. I can hear the sprinklers going off somewhere in the backyard. We have running water. My family is all under one roof for a few more days. We have a home. It somehow feels safe and fleeting all at the same time. It is temporal. So I enjoy it now. Gratitude and Peace.

I had a beautiful walk today with my Dad. He has been ill, and is beginning to come back from a bout with the autoimmune illness that lies mostly dormant in his body. It flares up and causes excruciating pain every few years, as it has been doing these past few weeks. We walked to the top of the street and back home. We walked slowly, and talked, catching up, since we haven’t been alone together for the past two or three weeks. We walk arm in arm together for part of the walk, something he couldn't do a few days ago, it hurt so much to lift his arms. We exchange I love you's. This is precious. These days are precious. Each one. Don't forget to stop and take it all in. It is here now. That is what matters.

We walk past the park, we are almost home. The crows are there, walking around, looking for all the world like men dressed up and pacing with their arms behind their back, their heads to the ground, pondering important, absorbing thoughts. They are our audience. They remain quiet.

This is my piece of peace today. May you find yours as well.

You Choose it's Free Will

Free Will. It's all a choice. It is. It may not seem that way, but it is. Whether we are living moment to moment in joy and happiness or whether we want to focus on what is out of balance, what makes us unhappy, angry or sad, it is a choice. These are challenging times. I know I have said it before, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist or a psychic to figure that out. We cannot control that. What we can control is our own response and reaction to these times. If we are overcome by frustration, anger or sadness for a few hours, a day or a few days, that is to be expected every now and again, especially when we are in the mix. Use the tools you have, the abilities you have attained to assist you to move through these difficult times, and shift you into the love, joy and gratitude field. If we remember that The Laws of Attraction bring us more of what we are focused upon then The Universe must have some big ole pots brewing of anger, resentment and fear on the front bunners because lots of folks seem to be calling up for more of those brews. What if you can't remember any of your tools right now, or you keep finding yourself coming up empty when you try to use those tools? How do you proceed then? Here are some suggestions. Ask, "What is presenting itself to be healed in me?" " What is going on right now that is making me feel out of balance, and what can I do to remedy this?" "Where do I need to shift, change and heal, to bring myself closer to healing and wholeness?" These are the questions to be asked, this is the process if you want to live in love and joy. This is the work. Sometimes it helps if we do this with a buddy, if we have assistance with this. Just this week, I had a buddy help me out. She listened to me ramble on, and on, and on, and at the end she said you really needed to release all of that. Yes I did, and I am thankful for my dear friend, she knows there is a lot on my plate right now, as there is on hers, it was just the right time and place to release, with a dear, non-judgmental, loving friend. Sometimes we need to come to someone when our plate is full, to help us to see what is getting our attention the most, and what is the next thing we need to do in order to shift this situation. So thank you dear friend.

Once you have looked at what is up, apply the four basics to the situation: love (yourself, the other person and God - whatever that means for you), forgiveness (forgive yourself, the other person - and yes even God), responsibility (what have you done? What could you do better next time? What part is not yours - perhaps the other person's and perhaps just is) and gratitude (to yourself, the other person and again God). After asking what is revealing itself to you to be healed at this time, the fastest path out of those places is not to dwell upon what is wrong, but rather to focus upon all that is right, all the blessings in your life, all the gifts you are given daily. Allow yourself to be flooded with gratitude for all those miracles. Gratitude and love, this is the elixir for living a heart centered, soul based life. You choose. The pots of love, gratitude and joy are bubbling away, and there is always more where that came from. What do you want a heaping helping of? I thought so. Why would anyone rationally choose anything else?! And you are choosing, several times every day.

Is there a time when you felt you couldn't find the love or gratitude in a situation? Do you want to talk about it? I'm here for that. Let's chat.

Sending you all Love, Gratitude, Peace and Joy wherever you are, whatever is going on, you deserve this, we all deserve this, it is our Divine Right.